Titanic: The Epic Montage of Doom
by Caitlin-and-Emily
Summary: Full title: Titanic: The Epic Montage of Doom and Musical Sequences and Flashbacks. A random parody of wonder. Enjoy!


**Disclaimer**: Titanic isn't ours. Please take a moment to deal with this devastating revelation and then move on. Also we don't own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, the Ring, "I'mLike a Bird", Rent, "My Heart Will Go On", the ghetto, Finding Nemo and numerous other things.

Enjoy!

* * *

**TITANIC: THE EPIC MONTAGE OF DOOM AND MUSICAL SEQUENCES AND FLASHBACKS**

Musical montage of foreshadowed doom!

Random passenger: Man, it would suck if this boat sunk or something.

Sailor: For shizzle my nizzle.

-Flash Forward-

Explorer Man: Hey! Let's go look for the sunken ship of wonder!

Other man: Yeah dude, that'd be like totally sweet!

So…the ship is really gross and old and icky. And the explorer man looks like Jon Bovi.

Jon Bovi: Dude! If these windows like explode or something, we're all totally gonna die. Righteous.

Damn the Russians.

Little creepy searching camera thing is floating through all the deadness.

Somara: SEVEN DAYS!

There's an eel in the fireplace. An EEL in the FIREPLACE! OH THE HILARITY!

For some reason, I don't think pianos work right underwater.

Jon Bovi: DUDE! THAT'S THE EXACT ROOM I'M LOOKING FOR! NONE OF THESE OTHER ROOMS MATTER, ONLY THAT ONE SPECIFIC ROOM!

Caitlin: How does he know what room to look in?

Kelsey: Because he's got superpowers, duh.

Yay! They found the buried treasure of wonder. The Cursed Treasure of Cortez.

Just kidding.

They found a picture.

Hmmm, I wonder if this could possibly have an epic love story that will be revealed through full-color, high-resolution flashbacks told by some 28 million year old lady.

Pottery!

Old Lady: I'm an untold story!

Nudey picture of old lady.

Granddaughter: (is scarred for life)

Old lady calls explorer dude.

Old Lady: That was a nudey picture of me. I was the first porn star ever!

So that old lady goes and visits explorer dude and company.

Old Lady: Let me see my nudey pic, dammit!

Explorer Dude: I want that damn diamond!

Old Lady: Yeah, but it was really heavy and stuff…Damn, wasn't I hot and sexy?

Granddaughter: (is still scarred for life)

---------Flash Forward----------

Granddaughter: Hello, I'm Old Lady's Granddaughter and I saw a nudey picture of my grandmother.

Support Group: Hi Old Lady's Granddaughter.

------------End---------------

Explorer Dude: Yay! My new best friend is 243 thousand years old! Sleepover time!

Old Lady: Um, dude, why do have all my old crap?

The Dude is explaining stuff.

The Dude: So what happened was that this large frozen mass of dihydrogen oxide struck this large floating device made of metal on the starboard side near the bow of the ship. Because the metal floating device was situated in a large body of liquid dihydrogen oxide, the abrasion caused by the collision with the frozen mass caused a large quantity of the liquid dihydrogen oxide to fill the metal floating device. This caused an imbalance within the metal floating device and caused it to begin to submerge itself in the liquid dihydrogen oxide. Because the metal floating device could not sustain such a large amount of pressure being exerted on various points of its walls, the metal bonds eventually broke, causing the metal floating device to partition in the middle and subsequently sink.

Everybody: ….

Old Lady: So…you're saying it hit a big thing and died?

The Dude: Yeah…but I like to sound smart.

Explorer Dude: STORY TIME! STORY TIME! STORY TIME!

Granddaughter: It's bedtime grandma.

Old Lady: NO! LET ME TELL MY GODDAMN STORY!

FLASHBACK!

The beds had never been slept in…or had they?

Caitlin: ENGLAND!

Look! It's the car they have sex in!

Dad Guy: Look honey, it's a boat!

Little Girl: No you moron, it's a ship!

Rose: I don't see what the big deal is. It's just a giant ship of doom.

SHIP NAMING RULE NUMBER 1:

Don't call your ship unsinkable because if you do, the ship is pretty much doomed to sink.

Rose: Goodbye love! Goodbye love!

So, they don't check the dogs for fleas, but they check the 3rd class passengers for fleas.

Random Bystander: Goodbye! Don't die or anything!

In a bar somewhere

Random Guy: So…I'll bet you these 2 tickets of doom

Jack: You're not gonna see your mom again for a long time!

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!

Tanto: Titanic go to America in 5 minute

So they get on the boat in like 4.453453 seconds.

Fabrizio or whatever: I'm never going to forget you! MY HEART WILL GO ON!

Caitlin's Random Fact of the Day:

Did you know that when the Titanic left the port, it almost crashed into another ship? FORESHADOWING!

Little kids are frolicking through the ship. It sucks that they're going to die.

So the poor folk are crammed into tiny rooms with complete strangers and the rich peoples have entire rooms to "promenade" on.

Cal: Picasso sucks for life.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown is a character in this movie. Be amazed.

Boiler room. You all drown!

Coal room. You all drown!

Fabrizio and Jack share a moment at the front of the ship.

It's like Brokeback Mountain on a ship.

Captain: I'm in Lord of the Rings! And I die in that movie too!

Caitlin: Don't run over the dolphins!

Jack is exceedingly excited, but I guess he doesn't actually know that he's gonna die.

Jack: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! I HOPE THIS SHIP DOESN'T SINK! WHOOOOO!

Mom Lady: I don't like you smoking, Rose.

Rose: Let me have my damn cigarette woman!

SHIP NAMING RULE NUMBER 2:

Don't give your ship a name that also makes a really good movie title. Because then the ship has to sink so that they can make a movie about it.

They should all stop talking about how the ship can't sink because they're just gonna make it sink.

SEXUAL TENSION!

Rich people suck.

Rose: I'm so emo! Nobody gets me! Too many parties! I need some dark eyeliner! I need a knife! CUT! CUT! CUT!

Mom Lady: What…What are you doing?

Rose: SHUT UP! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! JUST CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES! YOU'LL BE SORRY WHEN I'M GONE! YOU'LL BE SORRY! YOU'LL ALL SEE! (runs away)

Mom Lady: So Anyways…

So Rose runs to the completely opposite end of the ship. Because obviously she doesn't want to get hit by the ship when she jumps off.

Rose is now climbing over the gate to kill herself.

Caitlin: I call all her shoes and outfits when she dies.

Jack: DON'T DO IT!

Rose: BUT I HAVE TO!

Jack: NO!

Rose: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

Jack: But if you die then I won't be able to have hot sex with you in a car and paint you naked so then in like 982342 years you can go tell this explorer dude about our raunchy escapades.

Rose: Well, okay then, I'll come down then. Let's go ice fishing.

Jack: No. I had a traumatizing experience with ice fishing. DON'T EVER MENTION ICE FISHING!

Rose: Ooooooooookay…Fine, help me over.

Jack: Man it would suck if you slipped or something.

Rose: (slips)

Jack: I'LL NEVER LET GO!

Rose: WELL GOOD, JACKASS, CAUSE THEN I WOULD DIE!

Jack: You can do it!

The guards are completely useless.

Guard man: OH MY GOD! HE TOOK HIS BOOT OFF! HE WAS GOING TO MOLEST HER! ARREST HIM!

Rose: No, that would disrupt the future plot of the movie.

Cal: Oh, well, let him go then. And why don't you come to dinner with us later? Just to create a few awkward moments.

So now we're in the giant bedroom.

Cal: Here, have this gigantic diamond so you can forget about how much of an ass I am.

Rose: Okay!

Cal: Open your heart to me Rose. Let's have hot sex in a car.

Rose: No! I only sleep with skinny, impoverished artists. Duh.

THE NEXT DAY

Rose jumps to the completely wrong conclusion.

Rose: Bitch, bitch, bitch, whine, moan, cry, the world hates me, blah, blah, blah

So pretty much Rose is getting married to a guy she hates. And she gets pissy because Jack asked her a question.

Rose: No! THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE SHIP! YOU STAY ON YOUR SIDE AND I'LL STAY ON MY SIDE!

Jack: Hey, I'm an artist.

Rose: Gasp! You've found my weakness.

Nudey pictures!

Rose: Man-whore!

Jack: What?

Rose: Exquisite!

One-legged prostitutes are amazing.

Rose: You see people.

Jack: No, I see dead people.

Rose: Oh…

Rich ladies are having a meeting-o-bitches

The purpose of a university is to find a husband, not to learn. Who learns? Learning is for bitches.

Random Rich Guy: The Titanic must make headlines!

I don't think you're gonna have a problem with that...

Wouldn't suck if you were psychic and you got on the boat…ship and you had a vision and then you just had to sit on the ship for like a week or something just knowing that you were gonna die. I think that would suck.

Jack: Let's get drunk and throw up on a rollercoaster.

Rose: Sweet!

Jack: Let's learn how to spit!

Rose: NO! SPITTING IS FOR LESSER BEINGS!

Jack: Just do it beotch!

Rose: (spits)

Rich Ladies: (are scandalized)

Molly: You are so screwed!

MAKE OVER TIME!

Jack has girl pants and very shiny hair.

Jack: I AM DRACO MALFOY! WORSHIP ME!

Rose slowly enters the ballroom, the soft light reflecting off of her perfect red curls as she pauses atop the grand staircase.

Rose: STOP!

Everybody: (stops)

Rose: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING! THIS ROOM TOTALLY DOES NOT MATCH MY OUTFIT! SOMEBODY FIX IT NOW, DAMMIT!

Everybody: (fixes the entire room in 2.43765231 seconds)

Rose: THANK YOU! BEOTCH!

Everybody totally knows the mom is banging Cal.

Molly is very loud.

Cal is a bitch. With creepy hair.

Jack's Internal Conversation: Oh my God, the forks! THE FORKS! WHICH ONE DO I USE! HELP ME SOMEBODY! WHAT IF I USE THE WRONG FORK! AHHHHHHHHH!

Mom Lady: You're poor.

Jack: Yeah, and you're a dirty whore.

Everybody: To the dirty whore!

SMOKING ROOM

Random Rich Guy: Congratulations being masters of the universe gentlemen.

Back to the dining room...

Jack: I have to row the boat now, but I'll sneak you this super-secret note so maybe I'll see you again in like 15 seconds.

Rose: Sounds great!

In third class...

Everybody is drunk and dancing.

Who cares that they all die? At least they have better parties.

Caitlin's Life is made.

Sexy, sexy!

Rose: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT THINK! WHAT ARE WE DOING! SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP! NO! STOP! NO MEANS NO!

DANCE OFF!

Caitlin: DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION!

Arm-wrestling of doom!

So, apparently Rose is a closet alcoholic. And she is just a wee bit drunk. Inebriated. That's a big word for drunk.

Woo! Magic stand-on-your-toes-thing-of-wonder!

The world is amazed.

Ring around the rosie!

The next day.

Cal: So…

Rose: So…

Cal: Why did you go to sleep last night? Why? Huh, Rose? Why?

Rose: Because-

Cal: WHY ROSE?

Rose: Because I was tired!

Cal: TIRED? THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE! WHAT'S THIS "TIRED" THING? And what the hell are you wearing? What is that? Why are you wearing it?

Rose: Because…it…it matches the room, Cal. IT MATCHES THE ROOM!

Cal: NO! NOOOO! THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR THAT OUTFIT! I DID NOT GO ON EXCESSIVELY FEMININE MALE PLAN FOR THE DRUNKEN, ABUSIVE, RICH, BASTARD FIANCEE MAN FOR NOTHING! I LEARNED A FEW THINGS ABOUT FASHION! THAT OUTFIT IS SO 1911!

Rose: Bitch please!

Cal: WOMAN! (throws the table at her) I WILL NOT BE MADE OUT A FOOL!

Everybody: Um…

In Rose's room

Mom Lady: You went below deck last night! You were drunk! NO OXYGEN FOR YOU!

Rose: But mommy-

Mom Lady: NO! NO MORE OXYGEN!

Rose: But-

Mom Lady: You are so selfish, Rose! We're poor. Do you want to see me being a prostitute!

Rose: But you already are a prostitute…

Mom Lady: Oh…well…do you want me to be a seamstress on the side?

Rose: NO! NOT A SEAMSTRESS ON THE SIDE!

It's church time!

Everybody: (sings)For those in peril on the sea!

An oddly appropriate song.

Jack is excommunicated from the rich people church.

ICEBERG WARNING! (but no one seems to care)

Random Rich Man: So pretty much, if this ship sinks half the people are gonna die. But we're rich so we'll be okay.

Jack kidnaps Rose and nobody notices.

Rose is a dirty liar.

Jack professes his love to Rose and he kind of sucks at it.

Jack: I heart you!

Rose: But-

Jack: Your fire!

Rose: What fire? What's on fire? Where's the fire? CALL 911! (runs away in terror)

Jack: le Damn.

Jack is having an emo moment on the ship.

Insert oddly appropriate Deline Cion song

Jack: Close your eyes.

Rose: But-

Jack: CLOSE YOUR EYES, DAMMIT!

Rose: I'M FLYING! I'M LIKE A BIRD! I ONLY FLY AWAY! I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY HOME IS, I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY HEART IS!

Jack: Well, actually, you're standing and the wind's blowing. But for the sake of argument, you're flying.

Kissy, kissy!

END OF FLASHBACK PART 1!

Old Lady: And then the boat sunk.

Explorer Dude: Did you realize the Captain was an idiot?

Old Lady: Yeah, I kind of picked up on that when everybody was drowning and whatnot.

FLASHBACK PART 2!

Oh scandalous! They're alone in the living room! THE LIVING ROOM!

Rose: Look at my giant shiny diamond of wonder and awe!

Jack: Oh, sparkly!

Rose: I want you to draw me wearing this.

Jack: Okay.

Rose: Wearing this…and ONLY this.

Jack: So, you mean that you're not gonna be wearing any other jewelry, right? Just this?

Rose: Well yeah, but I want you to draw me like you drew those French girls.

Jack: So you want me to draw you as one-legged French prostitute with hairy armpits?

Rose: NO GODDAMIT! I WANT YOU TO DRAW ME NAKED!

Jack: So….not as a one legged French prostitute?

Rose: Just go sit down and shut up! I'll be there in a minute! (leaves, mumbling) This outfit doesn't match the carpet anyways.

Rose does her stripper dance.

It's like Jack's the prostitute and she's the not prostitute.

Jack is kind of freaking out.

Rose: Are you okay?

Jack: Yes! Naked women just make me nervous.

Rose: Oh.

And even though the picture looks absolutely nothing like Rose, at least it's very pretty.

Rose: I believe you're blushing.

Jack: It's because of the landscapes, not that I'm drawing your boobs or anything.

END OF FLASHBACK NUMBER 2!

She's old again. (Please have clothes on, please have clothes on)

Old Lady: (has clothes on)

The world is safe for mankind once again.

FLASHBACK NUMBER 3!

Cal: Find Rose, Lovejoy!

Lovejoy: Anything for you Cally.

Lovejoy? THAT'S HIS GAY LOVER! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

Captain:What uphomies? Let's not be hatin' ondat bling bling, yo.

Translation: Hello my fello sailors. How are you on this lovely night? Be sure to watch for iceburgs so we don't hit them.

Sailor: Damn straight, yo.

Translation: We will keep a sharp eye out for those iceburgs captain. You can put all of your faith in us.

Captain:But it's not like we'll hit any icebergs! This ship is unsinkable!

Sailor: Word.

Translation: Of course captain. We will be vary careful and we will keep looking for the iceburgs all night. You can rest assured, my dear captain, that we will not hit any iceburgs tonight on our watch. This ship and all of its passengers are safe and sound. Not to worry.

Meanwhile on another part of the ship of doom...

Lovejoy is chasing Rose and Jack.

Rose: Feel the wrath of my perfectly manicured finger!

Run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm a major plot point!

Jack: Hey, let's go run through the boiler room!

Rose: I hope my dress doesn't catch on fire!

Jack: Good job everybody! Never mind that you're about to drown, keep up the good work.

Rose: Hey! Let's go play in this car and roleplay that you're poor and I'm rich.

Jack: But…

Rose: Go with it!

Jack: Okay!

Rose: Jack, I love you so much! You just match so perfectly with everything I wear! Molest me Jack!

Meanwhile…

Samora: Come on iceberg! Move, dammit!

Back in the car...

HAND!

Jack is dying but it's okay because he's gonnafreeze anyways.

Back in Rose's Room...

Cal finds Jack's drawing.

Cal: That doesn't look like Rose at all! What a horrible artist! Let's kill him!

On Deck...

Jack: Did you-

Rose: Shut up! Just look cute and be the perfect accessory,

Sailor: Yo yo, check out these two foo's getting it on in the hood. There ain't no bling bling out there, it's 'aight.

Translation: Hey, stop looking for icebergs and come watch these complete strangers make out on deck.

The iceberg is about to screw everybody over.

Samora: SUCCESS!

Everybody has a nervous breakdown because there is an iceberg. Unfortunately, this does absolutely nothing.

Random Guy: Did you know the iceberg gets bigger underwater?

Captain: le Damn.

EARTHQUAKE!

Wait…

Jack: Huh, that's probably not good.

Rose: Oh my good! This ice totally clashes with my outfit!

Jack: Let's run away!

People are drowning and it's bad and they're all gonna die.

Captain: Well, just make the carpenter build us a new deck.

All the poor people are drowning.

Rich People Servant: Oh hey, don't worry about it, it's just a little scratch and even if everybody drowns, you're rich so it's okay.

Cal: I've been robbed and I conveniently know exactly who did it!

Rose: Come with me so I can get you arrested.

Jack: Okay!

Rose is really annoying.

Jack is locked in some little room and he's probably gonna drown.

In the Captain's Quarters

Carpenter: Yeah, the ship's gonna sink.

----Flashback----

Captain: But it's not like we'll hit any icebergs! This ship is unsinkable!

---End---

Captain: le Damn.

Rose's Room

Cal: You bitch! (slap)

Servant: Come on, you're all about to drown.

Poor People Land

Guy: Life vests now, dammit!

Captain's Quarters

Captain: CQD – the distress call

Caitlin: What the hell happened to SOS?

ON DECK...

Man: Let's get the insufficient number of lifeboats ready!

Carpenter: We're all gonna die in 2 hours! HAHAHAHA! Might as well get drunk.

All the rich folks are drinking and partying because they are apparently immune to drowning.

Rose knows that everybody's going to drown.

Mom lady send her servants to their doom.

Jack is locked away in a room and he's gonna drown.

Help won't come for 4 hours. That's 4 hours too late in case you missed it.

Guard: Let's only put like 10 people into each boat!

Other Guard: GENIUS!

Sailor: All bitches and babies in the damn lifeboats!

All the poor people are trapped in the hallway.

Caitlin's Alternate Ending:

The Irish family of wonder magically escapes and gets onto the boat and is saved forever and ever!

Oh! Pretty fireworks! That was sure nice of them to have a nice firework display for everybody while they're drowning.

Haha, Jack's in pain. And he's gonna drown.

Mom Lady: Ew, I don't want to sit with the common folk!

Rose: You are a stupid bitch!

Mom Lady: Well, yes, but I don't want to catch poverty.

Cal: I'm too pretty to die.

Rose: You unimaginable bastard!

Rose runs away to be a whore and save Jack.

Jack: CAN YOU HERE ME NOW? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!

Jack is screwed for real. And there's water and he probably can't swim seeing as he's handcuffed to a pipe.

Rose is drowning in an elevator. And now she's in a hallway. And now everybody's gonna drown! YAY!

Rose: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Jack: That's nice and everything, but I'm drowning.

Ship is sinking and Rose and Jack are still having a sexual tension moment.

Please, waste a little more time.

Rose: HELLO? IS ANYBODY THERE? HELLO! GODDAMIT, WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME?

Let's run with the pointy object.

It's a little damp down here.

Rose: Looky! I found an ax!

Jack: What part of this seems like a bad idea?

Rose: Well, it's either this or you die.

Jack: Damn, these options suck.

Rose actually manages not to kill Jack and they frolic away in the freezing cold water of doom.

On the lifeboat...

Molly: Well, there's something you don't see everyday.

Thank you Captain Obvious part deux.

On Deck...

Cal: Let's go sneak onto the secret boat-o-men.

The poor folks are having a rebellion.

They lose.

Cal is getting his money and his sparkly diamonds.

I love how Rose is telling this story and she magically knows what happens even if she wasn't there.

Short Man: No! YOU POOR PEOPLE MUST DROWN! STOP IT! I'LL TELL MY MOMMY!

The poor people smite the short man.

On Deck...

Guard man is losing his temper.

There is a wee bit of confusion.

Rose: The boats are gone!

GASP!

The orchestra has elected to die. whoo

Cal is being a little bitch…again.

Rose: I'm not going without you.

Sailor: Yo, any women or children here?

Jack: Go on Rose, go live and have lost of babies.

Rose: I can't leave without you!

Jack: Go now! Go with the force while you still can!

Rose: But Jack….

Jack: ROSE! FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST GO!

Rose: But my heart may not be able to go on…

Jack: DAMN IT WOMAN YES IT WILL! IT'S IN THE SONG, ROSE! THE SONG! (snaps and points at the life boat)

Rose: Jack, I can't. Nothing can make me leave the love of my life on a giant sinking boat of doom.

Random Man in lifeboat: Hey I've got tequila…

Rose: (gasp) I'm so there!

Rose jumps in the life boat. There is a moment in slow motion silent montage between Jack and Rose….in the moonlight….with random fireworks going off…..so romantic, so perfect…..except for the fact that the boat is sinking and Jack is going to die.

In the lifeboat…..

Rose: Hello Mr. Tequila. How are you on this fine night?

Everyone: uhhhh……

Rose: (looks around at the lifeboat) AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THIS? The life boat so doesn't go with what I'm wearing! This is unacceptable! Sigh….(snaps fingers) FIX IT!

No one: (fixes anything)

Rose: le damn….I can't take it anymore. I'm outta here (jumps back onto the sinking boat)

Hmmmm……. jumping back onto a giant boat….ship…thing that's sinking. Probably not the smartest idea.

Jack: wtf?

They're running…running…still running.

Rose: JACK!

Jack: ROSE!

Rose: JACK!

They pass eachother.

Jack: No, back here Rose.

Rose: Oh…...JACK!

Jack: YOU'RE SO STUPID ROSE!

Rose: I COULDN'T LEAVE MY PERFECT ACCESSORY!

Cal: (slow-motion, Mission Impossible-esque shooting chase of doom)

Cal loses. Because his name is Cal and that's just a stupid name.

Haha, Rose has the diamond and Cal is a sucker. The rootbeer kind. Because nobody likes the root beer suckers.

Aw, Rose and Jack rescue babies.

Damn the water, damn the water to hell.

The daddy is stupid so he dies.

This is like a Disney Adventure ride gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Okay, what's with the gates at this point?

Nice servant man saves them.

Except not.

But Jack saves them so it's all good.

Hey, maybe this time they should stay upstairs.

Cal saves a baby so he can get on a boat.

Kelsey: This is the nicest mean thing anybody's ever done.

Guard man is an idiot.

Caitlin: NOOOOOOO! You can't kill the Irish man! DAMN YOU!

Guard man: (kills himself)

Caitlin: oh shit.

Carpenter man is apparently just standing around.

Rose: Mr. Andrews, what the hell? This room doesn't even match your outfit!

Carpenter: Well, yeah, but since I'm kind responsible for the deaths of like a butload of people, I figured I'd just deal with it.

Rose: Well, that's nice. I'm gonna go now.

Captain decides he's gonna die too. Because he's nice like that.

The orchestra provides a perfect musical montage of death and chaos. Kind of makes you feel all warm and tingly inside, huh.

Caitlin: NO! NOT THE IRISH FAMILY!

This is the sad part now, so we're just gonna chill until something remotely amusing happens.

The boat is now sinking.

Caitlin: See, the ship would rather be at the bottom of the freaking ocean than have to go to the United States of America, thus proving the amazingness of England and Ireland. Dammit.

There is some sweet old dude with an awesome hat.

Lights off

Everybody: AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Lights on

Everybody: Oh, it's all good.

Caitlin: Clap on (clap, clap) Clap off (clap clap) clap on, clap off (clap, clap, clap, clap) The Clapper.

Hey look, it's where Rose tried to kill herself. Such sweet memories from long ago...ok like 2 days ago.

Caitlin: Wanna jump now Rose, huh?

Hey let's all jump off the boat and try to not hit the propeller!

Propeller man misses. That's why he's propeller man!

The ship is kind of breaking. This is rather unfortunate.

Random Person: It seems as if a large frozen mass of dihydrogen oxide struck this large floating device made of metal on the starboard side near the bow of the ship. Because the metal floating device is situated in a large body of liquid dihydrogen oxide, the abrasion caused by the collision with the frozen mass has caused a large quantity of the liquid dihydrogen oxide to fill the metal floating device. This has caused an imbalance within the metal floating device and had caused it to submerge itself in the liquid dihydrogen oxide. Because the metal floating device can not sustain such a large amount of pressure being exerted on various points of its walls, the metal bonds have broken, causing the metal floating device to partition in the middle and subsequently sink.

Jack: Let's jump!

Rose: What?

Jack: Don't let go of my hand!

Rose: We're gonna die!

Jack: No we're not!

Rose: We're gonna die!

Jack: Come on Rose!

Rose: I CAN'T DIE IN THIS OUTFIT!

Jack: JUMP!

Rose: WHAT?

They jump into the freezing cold water of doom.

Dory: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

Jack: Look, a conveniently placed door.

Rose: OH MY GOD! WE CAN'T BOTH FIT ON THE DOOR!

Jack: Well, I'll just stay here in this freezing cold water and try to not die.

The rich people don't want to go save the poor people because then they might get contaminated with poverty.

Brittish Sailor Man!

Caitlin: I love him! He needs to be in Harry Potter!

Jack looks really incredibly cold.

Rose: So, we're probably gonna die.

Jack: Shut up! No we're not! We are perfectly fine!

Rose: But Jack-

Jack: Coming on this ship was the best thing that's ever happened to me…well except now. Because I could be back in England and all warm with other naked women and stuff. But I heart you Rose!

Rose: Well, okay.

Jack: NEVER LET GO ROSE!

Rose: Um…okay…for now at least.

Jack: Alrighty then, let's take a nap.

NAPPY TIME!

Rose wakes up now

Random man in the distance: IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE?

Rose: Oh! Oh! Oh! ME! PICK ME! PICK ME! RIGHT HERE!

Random Man: ANYBODY?

Rose: ME! OVER HERE! PICK ME!

Random Man: Well, I don't see anybody.

The boat: (completely misses Rose.)

Rose: le Damn.

Rose decides to wake up Jack now.

Rose: Come on Jack, the boats are here! Come on, let's go buddy!

Jack: (is momentarily displaced from a state of being…or dead in other words)

Rose: I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let….wait….your lips are blue. That TOTALLY doesn't match my outfit at all. Damn you cold, you ruined my perfect accessory! DAMN YOU! Sigh. I don't think this is going to work out between us Jack.

Jack: (is dead)

Rose: We're….we're just not compatible. Your lips don't match my outfit so therefore we can no longer be together. I'm going to have to let you go. I'm terribly sorry and hope you aren't offended in any way.

Jack: (is still dead)

Rose: So are we ok?

Jack: …….

Rose: Jack! JACK! Aren't you paying attention to me? Helloooo?

Jack: ……

Rose: …. ugh, whatever (drops Jack into the water) Hmmm…..it's kinda chilly.

So Rose finds a whistle that just happens to be lying around and gets saved by the boat.

END FLASHBACK NUMBER 3!

Old Lady doesn't have clothes on this time!

Just kidding, she does.

Everybody's really sad and stuff.

FLASHBACK NUMBER 4!

Rose is in America! WOOT!

Aw, Rose Dawson, how adorable.

Rose: Damn, there's Cal. Must hide!

Cal: I think I'll just look over here, nice and casual like. Ah, such a lovely sight, this America place. Wait Rose wouldn't be down here, this area doesn't match what she was wearing...now the dining area does...

Haha, Cal apparently kills himself later. And the Irish family is so totally not dead. Because they are Irish so they survived by default. And because Caitlin says so.

END FLASHBACK NUMBER 4!

Old lady should probably put some shoes on.

FLASHBACK NUMBER 5!

Rose: (finds the diamond) So that's why this coat is so damn heavy. Ugh.

END FLASHBACK NUMBER 5!

Old Lady: I'm gonna throw the priceless diamond into the ocean.

Caitlin: Hey, if you don't want it, give it to me!

Water: Splash!

Caitlin: UGH!

She can die happy now.

Picture montage of slightly depressing happiness!

Underwater excursion to the land of not so happy memories.

It's funny that the unsinkable ship is now at the bottom of the ocean.

Okay, so we think Rose died, but she finds Jack in the end so it's okay because it's really for the best.

MUSICAL MONTAGE WITH DELINE CION – THE ONLY WAY TO END A MOVIE!

Fin.

* * *

So, there you are. That took like 3 hours to write so you should probably leave a review. Because then you could be our hero. And obviously, you've always wanted to be our hero. 


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